5


That quarry jump was just over two years ago—­the summer before tenth grade. Most of the other kids were older, but still, I was the only one who didn’t jump that day, so I got taunted real bad. When Cole caught up with me as I headed for home, me feeling embarrassed and bad about myself, he told me to meet him later that night so he could teach me how to jump. So I snuck out after lights-­out and met him on the dirt path that runs behind our houses. He grabbed my hand, and we pounded down the path with the moon shining bright overhead, lighting our way. When we got to the edge of the rocks above the quarry, the water looked even farther down than I’d remembered. It was black with little slips of silver dancing on the top, and Cole confided that his whole life he’d had nightmares about drowning but he’d managed to muster the courage to jump, so somehow that meant that I could too. Then he promised it was safe and he would hold me tight the whole way down, if I was brave enough to let him.

“What about that kid who died jumping?” I asked him, and he said, “That’s not real, Nell. It’s just some old story kids made up to scare other kids.” 

I knew he was lying, ’cause my parents went to school with that dead kid and so did Cole’s. I’d seen his picture and knew his name—­Levi Tanner—­but Cole was so convincing and I figured he meant well, so I let it go. Then we both kicked off our sneakers and ditched our phones, and he told me we would jump together and it would be okay and he would keep me safe. He said, “I will hold you and keep you safe forever,” and I believed him so fiercely that I wrapped my arms around his back and hitched my legs up around his waist and squished my eyes closed tight. And Levi Tanner, that dead kid my parents knew, was the last thing on my mind, because when Cole jumped off that ledge holding me like that, I felt the safest I’d ever felt in my entire life.

When we crashed through the surface of the water, we were surrounded by pitch black and icy cold and my lungs burned like they were gonna bust wide open—­but I still felt safe as we fired down deep. And I felt full of excitement as we swam back up to the surface in a pool of murky water and rising bubbles. After we broke through to the night air and took a few breaths, we circled around each other as the water licked at our skin and those slips of silver moonlight danced on the surface like minnows, and Cole kissed me for the first time. My lips were shivering, his soft and warm, and my heart, it took me places I’d never been before. That kiss made me start to think that maybe I’d been wrong, that maybe there was magic and fizz and sparkly glitter in this life after all. And that shimmering and glitter just might be Cole.


But right now, he’s sittin’ here in my truck, asking me about Charlotte’s phone, and he’s not the least bit sparkly, and he’s not promising me anything, and he’s not making me feel safe. He’s confusing me. I reach down with my hand trembling and pull that phone out from the inside of my left boot, where I’d stashed it again after me and Stevie B went through it.

“When you take stuff, Cole, you don’t hide it in an obvious place like your pockets or backpack. You taught me that. Those are the first places the cops’ll look. And you checked my pockets and bag, so what’s going on here?”

He doesn’t answer; he just takes the phone from me, looks at it for a minute, then hands me a big folded envelope. “I was going to give you this on Saturday, Nellie. But here. You should have it now.”

I hesitate, then take it. “So this is the trade? The new girl’s phone for what’s in this envelope?”

He kind of shrugs.

“Will it explain anything?”

When he doesn’t answer, I say, “I guess that’s a no, then,” and pull open the envelope. 

Inside is a passport, with a smooth blue cover. “How much?” I ask, my voice so soft it’s almost inaudible.

“Five bucks,” he says. “On eBay.”

I start flipping through the pages. “How many countries?”

“Twenty-­seven.”

“Any good ones?”

“They’re all good ones, Nell.”

Before I stick the passport into my knapsack, I think about all the places me and Cole have fantasized about traveling to after we graduate—­both of us knowing full well we’re not going anywhere. Then I mumble, “Thanks,” not really meaning it under the circumstances, and in a flash, there are hot flames licking at the moment, pushing me to fight back. 

Now, I know I shouldn’t yell and curse in front of Finn, but I do it anyway. “What the hell, Cole! You can’t kiss me like that and look at me like that, and then give me some stranger’s expired passport you bought on eBay as a trade for that girl’s phone like everything is normal! Tell me something, anything, about what’s going on with you and her!”

He leans over and hugs me so tight I think I might break. Then he whispers, “I love you, Nell. I’ve loved you forever. You know that. But I can’t tell you anything right now. I want to, real bad, but I can’t.” Then Cole Wilder says, “It’ll be over in a few days,” and I damn near lose the breath in my lungs.

I manage to ask, “What’ll be over in a few days, Cole?” 

But he doesn’t answer; he just kisses me again. And we’re right back to confusing and messed up, ’cause I’m hot-­piss mad at him and hot-­piss mad in love with him at the same time, and he’s not explaining a damn thing.